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I support recycling, I wore this shirt yesterday.
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
Sometimes I wish I could officially change "Hump Day" into "Smack-A-Dumb-Bitch-In-The-Face" Day.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.