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That awkward moment when You accidentally hit the LIKE button During Facebook stalking.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.