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You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
To stupidity ... And beyond!!
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Fact: Pornos aren`t based on actual events.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
Seriousley.. The cuntestents in the 2013 speling beee contast hafe too now no the meening of the werd thay hafe been axed too spell. I coud rock that contast so eesy :))))) eg. The meening of "Easy". Anser: a kids oven
It`s not stalking if you love them!