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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.