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Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s