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Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
Hash browns not tags.
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.