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Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.