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When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
The good thing about "poking" on Facebook, no babies are created.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.