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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"