Daily Silly Status

I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.

Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."

But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.

I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.

Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.

At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.

Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".

Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.

50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.

Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.

Some people are flirting with my delete & block button