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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
I used to question how much information was too much information. Joined Facebook, It`s much clearer now
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel