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Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
Don`t talk to me like I`m stupid until you know for sure.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...