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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.