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Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.