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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store