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I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
and alcohol are now friends.
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.