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Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
I haven`t seen any new episodes of Gilligan`s Island in awhile... I hope they`re OK.