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I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
Mary, mary quit contrary, watched their garden thrive. The cops found seed of a very odd weed; Now they`s doing three to five.
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.