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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.