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My favorite part of the day? The food part.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...