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Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.