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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, should all acquaintance be forgot and somebody refill my wine.
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
It`s almost 2014, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... How did 2 sticks win out!?
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.