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Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
What happens on online stays online, forever and ever.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I only accept apologies in cash.
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That`s it. No more reading!
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.