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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.