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Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?