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In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
about love
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.