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If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I need more people like me in my life
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.