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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
I`m going to hell in every religion!
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.