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I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
You guys ever trip out on the fact that Indian people eat Indian food for breakfast?
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.