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Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
is it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!