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3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball