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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.
I copied and pasted your pic of what you ate...and got MORE "likes" than you did. :P
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.