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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
Knock knock... whos there? Cows go... Cows go who, No, cows go moo
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!