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Happy people don`t take long showers.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements.
Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
I know karate, jujitsu, judo, taekwondo and 28 other dangerous words. Still wanna` mess with me?
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)