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I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
I love hearing rumors about me...that`s how I find out what I`ve been doing.
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
If its true we`re here to help others, then what exaclty are the others here for?
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Do angry people know about naps?
You could pleasure me just by walking away.