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According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
Warning: I just get weirder.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I would unblock you but then I`d be admitting I`d made a mistake and that`s just not my thing.
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.