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The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
I liked you better before we met.
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.