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There`s no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
Back in my day we had 9 planets.