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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
I can`t be trusted with your alphabet magnets.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?