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Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.
I will be back in 5 minutes, if I am not then please read this again! :D
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
Stay Calm, take a breath, and reload.