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I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.
This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.
If by "help you cook" you mean drink wine in the kitchen while you do the work, then yes, I`d love to help you cook.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
It`s so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
I am NOT high maintenance, I simply have more preferences than most.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.