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i honestly hate saying sorry but when i do i really mean it :-)
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.