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Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.