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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
Don`t act like your not impressed.
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
If you’re so much better than the leading brand then why are you not the leading brand?
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)