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I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
WikiHow suggested 9 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day.... I did all by ?#? SLEEPING?the whole day! How???? I smoked less, used water/power less etc. Wikiwikiwiki!!!!!
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.