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I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.