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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
If a single teacher can’t teach all the subjects then how could you expect a single student to learn all subjects.
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
FYI, Target does not give prizes, no matter how many bullseyes you hit in the store with a paintball gun
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.