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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
I think I`m gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
I put my head between my legs and lean forward.....thats how I roll
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
Being gay is fine. Being lesbian is fine. Being straight is fine. But do you know what’s not fine? Wearing crocs. That is NOT okay
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar..... No strings attached
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.