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Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
My memory foam has amnesia
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.