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I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.