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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
If I was on drugs, this post would be amazing.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.