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Let`s sleep in until it`s time to go to bed again
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
If you love someone , let them go. If they dont come back, call them up later when your drunk and see wtf is going on.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job...
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"