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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.