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Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
drink beer ?? save water
It deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pcale. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a pobelrm. Tihs is buseace the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Tihs wulod not be psibsole if yuor sutipd. I hpoe for yuor skae you wree albe to raed tihs or taht maens yuor an idoit or barin dmagaed.
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
Hey Guys! I havent seen you since last year!(;
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.