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I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.