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Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
This cat poop tastes like I`m about to get yelled at -Dogs
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.