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I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
Survival rule #1: You go first.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?