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An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
Bitch Iām not insulting you, Iām describing you.
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.